i’d like to say my absence from this space for the last year (and then some) was due to my living in the moment. my unplugging. my disconnecting. you know, what all the cool kids are doing. but to tell you the truth, and that’s all i ever do (probably to a fault), my brain has been good-for-nothin’ mush for longer than i can remember (which, i’m sure, is thanks to said brain). completely, absolutely, utterly fried. six hours of sleep, twelve. one cup of coffee, two. doesn’t matter what i do, what i don’t. nothing helps it. i can barely string together a few unremarkable words to form a single, we’ve-all-heard-this-before, why-are-you-wasting-our-time, you-should’ve-just-picked-an-emoji-and-been-done-with-it sentence to use as a caption for an equally uninspired photo, let alone muster up enough intelligible thought (i’d even settle for incoherent ramble, if it would ever come) to journal entire paragraphs in one go. that’s at least least five whole sentences, you guys. five. that’s a lot of sentences for a good-for-nothin’ mush of a brain.
but i’m feeling the tiniest bit more capable today, so here goes.
since we last left off, i started babysitting, bought a new couch (again), traveled with my husband (and without liam) for the first time, traveled with my husband (and without liam) for the second time, introduced liam to the ocean, felt small in a national park, stood front row at vulfpeck, said goodbye to my father-in-law (much, much too soon), chose sobriety, celebrated one year of veganism, enrolled liam in swim school, started family game night and book night and movie night and stuck to it without deviating one whole month (which will probably go down as one of my life’s greatest achievements), committed to weekly playdates, binge-watched roughly a million new shows, binge-watched roughly a million old shows, initiated conversations with strangers willingly, got kicked off my parents’ insurance, downloaded sims 4, recounted my records, made a playlist you can cry to, named the paintings and sculptures i found at the antique store, and began the arduous task of decluttering my too-full-to-even-load-new-emails phone that i’ve been putting off for the better part of a year now.
my upcoming goals are as follows: to at least sort of learn how to parallel park, but preferably not by a man because men stress me out (more on that later). to get my driver’s license, damnit. to write liam’s traditional birthday letter that i’ve never once missed it until now, and preferably before the fast approaching half birthday mark. to record our spring and summer trips to denver and boston and portland and chicago. to rebuild our savings because boy, is it dismal. not going to put deadlines on any of these (okay, except the driver’s license bit because that one is, of course, time-sensitive and i am, of course, sick-to-my-stomach, cry-my-eyes-out anxious about it), but they will be marked off the list. eventually. you have my word (and maybe we’ll throw a kidney in there, too, just to keep motivated).
but overall, i’m okay. i hope you’re okay, too. whoever you are, wherever you are. but if you’re not, there’s this. i especially like to use it when i’m sad about my many failures as a parent, or my disappointments in marriage. doubling down on sadness, dragging it out, really sitting and living in it can be so cathartic. i know it’s probably healthiest to aim to joy, if and when and how we can, but it’s important to let ourselves be sad, too. cry. yell. scream. curl up in a ball. write letters you’ll never mail. feel however you feel in whatever way you feel it, you know? seems to be a central theme of mine in this space, now that i think of it, reiterating how absolutely okay it is to feel how you feel. it’s certainly one i keep coming back to time and time again, no matter how simple and obvious a statement it seems. i guess you could say it’s a message i feel (pun entirely intended because i love bad jokes, so, you know, you’re welcome and i’ll be here all week) bears repeating in our detrimental-to-your-mental-health, don’t-you-dare-cry world.
looks like i got my incoherent ramble in, after all.